Some Bad Metaphors

Ning read me some poems from her class, along with some really funny juxtapositions. So I looked them up after our conversation, and to my dismay, they were listed under the title: "Bad Metaphors from Stupid Student Essays." How sad! I would totally use these in legit essays...

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
• Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• Every minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
• The horizon swallowed the setting sun like a dog sucking an egg, but not quite.